Setting: A hospital medical unit. A patient has been admitted with abdominal pain of an unclear origin and has just been started on a fentanyl PCA. She calls the nurses station complaining that the PCA is beeping.
Dead Nurse enters the room to find the PCA beeping.
Patient: This fucking thing isn’t working.
Dead Nurse: Well, it looks like there is an occlusion in the line somewhere. Let me try to fix it. Resets the machine and gets it working.
Patient: I don’t feel anything.
DN: This isn’t going to feel the same like getting the intermittent shots. You need to give it some time to work.
Patient: The fucking machine is broken.
DN: It’s working. You just need to push the button to get pain medication.
Patient throws controller on bed and rolls over facing away from Dead Nurse.
Dead Nurse exits.
Patient calls again to complain that the machine isn’t working.
Patient: I told you this machine wasn’t working.
Dead Nurse looks at the machine and sees that she has received 30mcg of fentanyl.
DN: The machine say it has given you 3 doses.
Patient: Can you find someone who knows what they're doing?
DN: The machine is working. Any nurse in this hospital will tell you that.
Patient: I need food. I haven’t eaten in 3 days. They want a sample from me. How am I suppose to go number 2 if I haven’t eaten.
DN: You still make stool even if you haven’t eaten.
Patient: Nu, uh.
DN: Why don’t I call the doctor and see if we can get you some clear liquids.
Dead Nurse calls the doctor who informs him that she told the patient that she couldn’t eat earlier in the day. Her rationale being that if something is really wrong with her, that food could just worsen the problem. Dead Nurse returns to the room to deliver the sad news.
DN: Your doctor doesn’t want you to eat. She’s afraid that it will just worsen your pain. If you start feeling better than we can get your something.
Patient: That’s the problem! You have to eat to feel better!
DN: I don’t think the food will make you feel better.
Patient: But I'm starving! I think I need to get an older doctor. Someone with more experience.
DN: I really think any doctor you see will tell you the same thing.
Patient: Nu, uh.
DN: Can I get you anything else?
Patient: I need some phenergan. I feel nauseous.
1 comment:
Hey DN:
How'd you find my site? Just curious. It's late now (past my bedtime). But I'll be back to read more.
Sondheim, Michael Cunningham books (I loved Flesh & Blood!). We already have plenty to talk about.
Do NOT go see Sweeney Todd. I foolishly listened to the soundtrack after it arrive (because I wanted to punish my eardrums, apparently. HB-C could NOT carry a tune in a bucket. IF one more movie critic goes orgasmic over this movie, I'm going postal.
What type of nurse are you?
until later,
gay CME guy
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