Gym People

I go to the gym on a pretty regular basis. The gym is where I de-stress and continue my ongoing quest to look better naked. It makes me feel good and I normally enjoy my time there. However, something has recently happened at my gym that is bothering me a bit. You know what I’m talking about...

It’s the attack of the New Year Resolution people!

They have resolved to lose weight and get in shape! They come in huge numbers to gyms everywhere in the month of January. They look like lost souls wandering the gym in their sweats; staring at the machines, uncertain how anything works.

I should say that I don’t dislike these people in any way. I think it’s great that they’ve decided to make a change in their life and get healthy in the new year. What bothers me is the number of them who have seemingly decided to ignore all gym etiquette. I can only assume that they are simply unaware of expected behaviors, so I have decided to help out a bit. Here for the first time anywhere is Dead Nurse’s Guide To Gym Etiquette for Newbies and Other Clueless Folks!

1. Wear appropriate attire. This means you should change out of your jeans and polo shirt. Put on some athletic shoes because those flip flops are much better for the shower than the treadmill.
2. Wipe your nasty sweat off the equipment. You’ve broken a sweat! GREAT! Now clean up the mess you left on the weigh bench. No one wants to lay in a pool of your body juice.
3. Put the weights away. I’m glad that you think bench pressing 400lb is impressive, but not all of us can lift that much. So please put the weights back on the rack where you found them.
4. The locker room is not your bathroom, so why don’t you try wrapping a towel around yourself while walking around. Perhaps you’ve identified me as gay and think you’re giving me a real treat by allowing me to see your twig and berries. You’ve greatly overestimated my interest. You are much more comfortable with your nudity than I am, so cover up! Now that young man over there who looks like the Abercrombie and Fitch model...He’s welcome to parade around the locker room with his pants off.
5. Get help! You only look like a tool when you misuse the equipment. If you don’t know how to use something, just ask a staff member.
6. Learn a little something about anatomy. What muscle do you think you’re working there with that crazy exercise your doing? You look more like an Amazonian bird doing a mating ritual than anything else.
   

That’s all I have for now. I’m sure this list will grow as the months go on, so stay tuned for future editions!