Monday, March 03, 2008

Death of a loved one

This is Jasper:

Jasper was an Easter gift given to me by the boyfriend several years ago. For the last seven years or so, Jasper has lived on our bed and served as an extra pillow, cuddle friend and occasional cat bed. The boyfriend and I have had to endure several disparaging comments about "grown men sleeping with a stuffed animal", but Jasper has kept his spot on the bed.

Unfortunately, it seems that Jasper's time is coming to an end. He has developed a small tear by his leg. Each morning while making the bed, I find pieces of his stuffed rabbit guts scattered among the sheets. While part of me wants to try and save Jasper, another part feels like it's time to say good bye. The part of this tale that is particularly pathetic is that I simply can't bear to throw him away. I somehow feel like I will be throwing away a friend and that...well...Jasper will be sad.

Now what part of this whole scenario is more odd? The fact that a grown man still sleeps with a giant stuffed rabbit, or that he can't rid of the rabbit because he doesn't want to hurt the rabbit's feelings?

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

You should have seen these shoes

I was getting my hair cut today (something I absolutely hate having done) when the manager of the salon came in and started talking to my stylist.

This woman was wearing the HOTTEST shoes I have ever seen. Now, I know it's completely stereotypical for a gay man to go on about a woman's shoes, but really they were quite fetching. Tall, black, shiny, and they made her calves look amazing. I just couldn't stop staring at these damn shoes.

I looked up into the mirror and noticed my stylist giving me a look. It was a look that said "I totally just caught you checking my manager out."

I wanted to protest and exclaim, "No! I was just checking out her shoes! I mean look at them! They're incredible!"

Instead, I just remained quiet. I figured that this will be the only time that I, a guy who is routinely called "ma'am" by telemarketers, will ever be mistaken for a straight man.

The post where Dead Nurse reveals his body insecurities

Sometimes I start feeling really good about the progress I'm making at the gym. I start thinking I look really good and my self-esteem grows.

Then I run into some Abercrombie-looking model coming out of the shower in the gym locker room and I suddenly feel like the skinny boy again.

Bastards.

Saturday, February 02, 2008

Civil unions

It's official!

As of yesterday, same-sex civil unions are now legal in the great state of Oregon.

All you poopie pants who tried to stop it will now have to find some other way to occupy your time. Perhaps you'll take up killing puppies or oppressing racial minorities?

Critical thinking and the student nurse

Nursing schools love to talk about “teaching critical thinking.” Entire books have been written about the subject. How do we teach our future nurse to think critically about their patients and what’s going on with them?

The problem is that most of these academics have no idea what they're talking about.

I work with nursing students practically every day and I see what they’re being taught by their classroom instructors. I also remember what I was taught in school. We teach students to complete head-to-toe physical assessments on all of their patients, yet we don’t teach them what to do with all that information they collect. I understand the need to learn the art of doing a head-to-toe; that’s important. However, where’s the piece where we teach nurses to first look at the patient and then think about what information they REALLY need to collect.

Example: You have a 22 year old male in following surgery on his knee. He has no medical history to speak of and is in perfect health, save the knee injury that put him in the hospital to begin with. Now why would it be important to listen to his bowel tones in all four quadrants? Couldn’t we illicit the needed information simply by asking the patient, “have you passed any gas since surgery?”

A few months ago, I was watching a nursing student completing an assessment. They palpated pedal pulses, listened to bowel tones, and auscultated heart sounds on a women in her 40’s with hand cellulitis. When we left the room I asked, “now what are you planning on doing with all that information you just collected?”

The student paused for a moment, deep in thought.

“Chart it, I guess.”

Sadly, that is what many nursing school graduates think is important about their assessments: collect the data and chart it.

If that student had first thought about what information really needed to be collected prior to going into the room, their assessment would have yielded much more useful information in a much easier fashion. Is the cellulitis improving? What does the hand look like? How’s their pain? Their receiving a bit of narcotics for that pain, so how is their bowel functioning? When was their last bowel movement? All of this information is gathered without ever having to palpate a pedal pulse or listen to a bowel tone.

In order to create successful nurses, schools need to begin teaching their students TRUE critical thinking skills. Don’t just talk about it, really teach it. Teach students to think about the information they gather and why it’s important. If data isn’t important in a particular situation, then don’t gather it. Believe it or not, you don’t have to listen to everyone’s heart and lung sounds!

Teaching students to be information gathering robots isn’t good for nursing and doesn’t create successful nurses. And after all, isn’t that what we want to do?

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

An open letter

Dear Reader(s),

I'm not really as much of a bitch as my recent posts make me seem.

Of course some of my friends might disagree.

Hug and kisses,
Dead Nurse

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Separated at birth?

Sometime, I have a difficult time telling the difference between my cat:

And a certain obese character from Star Wars:

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Lowered expectations

In general, I believe people have unrealistic expectations when they are admitted to the hospital. They expect to be given around the clock care, but also expect to be allowed to sleep a full 8 hours each night. They want their nurses to bring them their medications exactly as they are timed at home, with absolutely no consideration to the fact that their nurse is also caring for several other patients.

One expectation I dealt with this week, is when physicians are suppose to see their patients. Many of the patients on my unit are seen by hospitalists. These are the docs that work for the hospital. These guys and gals work really hard and usually start seeing their patients around 7:30am. Now if you’re a pretty healthy person, say a 40-something year old female with cellulitis of your hand, then you’re probably not going to be seen first. You see, there’s this thing call “triaging”. This is where the physician places their patients in order of how urgent they need to be seen. That 78 year old lady in the ICU on a vent is probably going to fall somewhere near the top of the list. Your spider bite...well, let’s just say you’re not a real priority for your doctor today. They will get to you eventually, and if you need something they are only a phone call away. However, don’t expect to see them much before noon.

This concept is poorly understood by many patients and family members. They are living in a world colored by the many episodes of General Hospital and St. Elsewhere that they’ve watched. This is a world where physicians make “morning rounds” and see their patients several times throughout the day.

This world doesn’t exist.

Your doctor will see you as soon as they can. It’s not that they don’t care about you, there are just sicker people that need to be seen first. If you or your loved one were really sick, wouldn’t you want them to be seen first?

So please don’t complain to me when your doctor didn’t come to see you until (gasp!) 12:30pm! Did you have everything you needed? Were you in any pain? No? Good.

So take your vicodin and shut the hell up.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

The pain scale


The pain scale is bullshit.

There, I’ve said it. It’s out there and I can never take it away.

It’s bullshit because people are retarded and don’t use it properly.

Example: A patient has a wound on his foot. It’s infected and nasty. It must hurt. The patient appears fairly comfortable. He’s watching television and enjoying a milk shake.

“How would you rate the pain your having right now,” I ask.

He looks up from his milkshake. and says “10/10”.

I want to respond by saying, that we might as well go ahead and chop that foot off without using any sedative. It apparently can’t get any worse, right? While we’re at it, we’re gonna go ahead and take out those wisdom teeth of yours. No gas for you though! The pain couldn’t possibly be worse than you’re experiencing right now!

Instead I just opt to medicate the dumb ass and order him another milk shake.

Why I love my job

Setting: A hospital medical unit. A patient has been admitted with abdominal pain of an unclear origin and has just been started on a fentanyl PCA. She calls the nurses station complaining that the PCA is beeping.

Dead Nurse enters the room to find the PCA beeping.

Patient: This fucking thing isn’t working.

Dead Nurse: Well, it looks like there is an occlusion in the line somewhere. Let me try to fix it. Resets the machine and gets it working.

Patient: I don’t feel anything.

DN: This isn’t going to feel the same like getting the intermittent shots. You need to give it some time to work.

Patient: The fucking machine is broken.

DN: It’s working. You just need to push the button to get pain medication.

Patient throws controller on bed and rolls over facing away from Dead Nurse.

Dead Nurse exits.

Patient calls again to complain that the machine isn’t working.

Patient: I told you this machine wasn’t working.

Dead Nurse looks at the machine and sees that she has received 30mcg of fentanyl.

DN: The machine say it has given you 3 doses.

Patient: Can you find someone who knows what they're doing?

DN: The machine is working. Any nurse in this hospital will tell you that.

Patient: I need food. I haven’t eaten in 3 days. They want a sample from me. How am I suppose to go number 2 if I haven’t eaten.

DN: You still make stool even if you haven’t eaten.

Patient: Nu, uh.

DN: Why don’t I call the doctor and see if we can get you some clear liquids.

Dead Nurse calls the doctor who informs him that she told the patient that she couldn’t eat earlier in the day. Her rationale being that if something is really wrong with her, that food could just worsen the problem. Dead Nurse returns to the room to deliver the sad news.

DN: Your doctor doesn’t want you to eat. She’s afraid that it will just worsen your pain. If you start feeling better than we can get your something.

Patient: That’s the problem! You have to eat to feel better!

DN: I don’t think the food will make you feel better.

Patient: But I'm starving! I think I need to get an older doctor. Someone with more experience.

DN: I really think any doctor you see will tell you the same thing.

Patient: Nu, uh.

DN: Can I get you anything else?

Patient: I need some phenergan. I feel nauseous.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Kitchen Confessions

Portland is a foodie town. People here love to talk about food in great detail. They share their opinions on food freely and can have a tendency to look down their noses at people who dare to disagree. These are the people who visit the farmers market regularly, buy only local produce, and “eat seasonally.”

I am not one of those people.

I have some confessions to make that I need to get off my chest.

-I don’t always use fresh garlic. I have a jar of prepared minced garlic in my refrigerator that I use with some frequency.
-I visited the Portland Farmers Markets one time last year.
-I will probably not visit the Portland Farmers Market with greater frequency this year.
-I’m not really all that enamored with farmers markets. I think buying my produce at a grocery store is just more convenient and I don’t really notice a difference in quality or taste.
-I eat veal and do so unapologetically.
-I buy flavored ground coffee. Grinding my own coffee is a task that I have absolutely no interest in taking on.
-I have several favorite recipes that call for a can of condensed soup (usually cream of mushroom).
-I have never made my own spaghetti sauce and always use jarred sauce.
-I purchase produce with no thought to if it is in season.
-I believe that the Hostess Orange Cupcake could very well be the world’s most perfect confection.

I feel much better now. Thank you for your attention. If you need me, I’ll be in the kitchen sipping my hazelnut flavored coffee and eating my out of season produce. If you happen to see any orange cupcakes while you're out, could you pick me up a box?

Sunday, January 13, 2008

My marimba


Marimba, originally uploaded by twarlik.

I just wanted to share a picture of my new marimba. It arrived in November after several months of waiting. I didn't think it was possible to love an inanimate object so much.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Gym People

I go to the gym on a pretty regular basis. The gym is where I de-stress and continue my ongoing quest to look better naked. It makes me feel good and I normally enjoy my time there. However, something has recently happened at my gym that is bothering me a bit. You know what I’m talking about...

It’s the attack of the New Year Resolution people!

They have resolved to lose weight and get in shape! They come in huge numbers to gyms everywhere in the month of January. They look like lost souls wandering the gym in their sweats; staring at the machines, uncertain how anything works.

I should say that I don’t dislike these people in any way. I think it’s great that they’ve decided to make a change in their life and get healthy in the new year. What bothers me is the number of them who have seemingly decided to ignore all gym etiquette. I can only assume that they are simply unaware of expected behaviors, so I have decided to help out a bit. Here for the first time anywhere is Dead Nurse’s Guide To Gym Etiquette for Newbies and Other Clueless Folks!
  1. Wear appropriate attire. This means you should change out of your jeans and polo shirt. Put on some athletic shoes because those flip flops are much better for the shower than the treadmill.
  2. Wipe your nasty sweat off the equipment. You’ve broken a sweat! GREAT! Now clean up the mess you left on the weigh bench. No one wants to lay in a pool of your body juice.
  3. Put the weights away. I’m glad that you think bench pressing 400lb is impressive, but not all of us can lift that much. So please put the weights back on the rack where you found them.
  4. The locker room is not your bathroom, so why don’t you try wrapping a towel around yourself while walking around. Perhaps you’ve identified me as gay and think you’re giving me a real treat by allowing me to see your twig and berries. You’ve greatly overestimated my interest. You are much more comfortable with your nudity than I am, so cover up! Now that young man over there who looks like the Abercrombie and Fitch model...He’s welcome to parade around the locker room with his pants off.
  5. Get help! You only look like a tool when you misuse the equipment. If you don’t know how to use something, just ask a staff member.
  6. Learn a little something about anatomy. What muscle do you think you’re working there with that crazy exercise your doing? You look more like an Amazonian bird doing a mating ritual than anything else.
That’s all I have for now. I’m sure this list will grow as the months go on, so stay tuned for future editions!

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Since I've been gone

  • I was promoted to Assistant Head Nurse at work. I’m working days now and am loving it. You never realize how tired you are working nights until you stop doing it.
  • My pumpkin patch yielded one pumpkin. It was very tiny, so I ended up buying two larger pumpkins at the grocery store to carve as Jack O 'Lanterns. Sadly, there is no photographic evidence. I never said I was good at this blogging thing.
  • My marimba arrived in late November. It was delivered in a large wooden crate and was quite difficult to unpack. I am in love with it.
  • I joined a local community band and have played in one concert thus far. It feels so good to be making music again.
  • Aaron and I visited Las Vegas for the first time. We lost/spent several hundred dollars and saw a naughty show. It was great fun.
  • I turned 31. I spent the evening stuffing dollar bills down the pants of a very attractive stripper named Anthony. I never claimed to be a classy guy.
That’s pretty much the highlights since July. I’m working on some new stuff to post soon. In the meantime enjoy this picture of Gerard Butler.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Pumpkin Watch: Day 52


Day 52, originally uploaded by twarlik.

I'm down to one plant and it is really growing like crazy. There are some small buds that look like they may become flowers within the week and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that they turn into little pumpkins.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

The day the music died (addendum)

So I ordered this marimba. I'm not telling you how much it cost. Suffice it to say you could easily buy a small Korean automobile for the amount of money I will be paying for this marimba.

It's going to be very nice and I am very excited.

The problem is that I could be waiting until November for it to arrive.

You see I ordered it from this guy I used to go to school with who now custom builds marimbas. It's an odd career choice, but he's becoming quite well known for this. Well known in the marimba community at least. Since it's just him building the instruments, it takes awhile to get your marimba. He promised me that he would work hard and try to get it finished earlier, but I don't have much hope. He's a busy guy and a quality instrument takes time to construct.

In the mean time, here's a picture of one of the marimbas this guy has built. Mine will be similar, but with a metal frame. And less shiny.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

The day the music died

Long ago (it feels like a lifetime), I considered myself a musician. I had dreams of becoming an orchestral percussionist with a major symphony. I worked hard, practiced my excerpts, and spent hours in the practice room. The summer prior to my senior year at Florida State University, I stood in a practice room playing my marimba. Next door I could hear one of my fellow percussionists pounding out the xylophone part to Gershwin's Porgy and Bess. I stopped playing and listened to him practice the part over and over; slowing it down and picking out each note, striving for absolute perfection. He continued to play the same few measures over and over and frankly it started to get on my nerves. It was at that moment I realized that I would never be a professional musician. I simply could not be that person obsessively practicing the orchestral excerpt, removed from the rest of the music.

A few days later, I told my instructor that I would not be auditioning for graduate performance programs and would instead pursue a career in arts administration. I finished out my senior year of college earning a Bachelors in Percussion Performance, hoping that I would be able to find a job doing something in the arts world. I put away my mallets and instruments and didn't touch them for 8 years.

Today and I am in a nursing career that I love. (I'll save the story of how I got into nursing for another day!) Though recently I have felt like something was missing from my life. That thing that is missing is music. I have decided to welcome music back into my life and have done so with gusto. I have joined a local community band and will start playing with them in August. I have pulled out my mallets and snare drum and have started practicing once again. Most significantly, I am having a 5 octave rosewood marimba custom-made for me. It will be a few months until it is ready, but I have already stated planning what music I will play once it arrives.

Perhaps 8 years was too long to be away from performing, or perhaps it was just what I needed. I can't really say. All I know is that music is once again enriching my life and I really believe it's here to stay.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Pumpkin Watch: Day 18


Day Eighteen (1), originally uploaded by twarlik.

My pumpkins are really coming along. I've trimmed them back so now I only have three plants left. The tallest is about 6 inches. I'm going to let them grow a little bit more and then select the strongest plant and trim back the others. Only 82 days till harvest!

Thursday, May 31, 2007

Pumpkin Watch: Day 7


Day Seven, originally uploaded by twarlik.

Today was planting day at the pumpkin patch. If the seed package is to be believed, I only have 93 days until harvest. Woo, hoo!