Everyone tells me you're out there. Everyone says I'll meet you one day.
But what if you aren't? What if I don't? Will I be okay with that?
Some days I think I would. Other days I'm not so sure. Today is one of those other days. It's one of those days I feel like I'm always on the verge of tears. A day I feel so emotionally fragile that I cry at reruns of 'Sex and the City'. The one where Mr. Big breaks Carrie's heart. The one where she feels so hopeless and lost. The one where she fears that she'll never meet Mr. Right.
Today I'm a Carrie.
Today I feel lost without someone in my life. I have so many wonderful friends and yet I still feel like I'm missing something. Something so vital to my person. I feel like I'm missing a piece of myself.
This all sounds so cliche. Like it belongs in a Katy Perry song.
Today I walked the park eating my frozen yogurt, wondering if this was what my life would be like from now on. Living alone with my cat. Walking around by myself. No one to hold my hand. No one to tell me they care. No one to offer me a bite of their yogurt.
I have these days from time to time. I feel sad. Perhaps I cry. I listen to a Dolly Parton song and let the tears flow. I then go to bed and wake up refreshed. Still a little sad perhaps, but better. More confident. More sure of myself. I remind myself that even though I'm single, I'm still fortunate. I have a great job, wonderful friends, and family that loves me.
I know I will feel better in the morning light. Tonight, however, it's okay to cry.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Dead Nurse and the car wash
I was bored today, so I decided to try my hand at video blogging. When ever I see myself on video, I am always surprised at how gay I sound.
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Just call me Jaws
I hate going to the dentist.
If I were prone to quoting Seinfeld (which I’m not) I would call myself an “anti-dentite. This started when I was a child and my mother (being the good mom that she was) trotted my brother and I do the dentist every 6 months. Each of these visits always included the dreaded “fluoride treatment”. This entailed placing a foam mouth piece in your mouth filled with fluoride paste. In an effort to make this whole process seem like fun, you got to pick the flavor of the paste.
Bubble-gum? Chocolate? Peppermint?
Whichever flavor I picked, the result was always the same. I would get the mouthpiece in for about 30 seconds and I would promptly vomit. This became so commonplace that my mother took to bringing a change of clothes for me to each appointment.
I endured this for many years, until we switched to a dentist who didn’t really enjoy having her office covered in and smelling like kid puke. She took to swabbing my teeth with the flouride past instead. It still tasted awful, but it no longer tested my gag reflex.
Until the age of 18 I visited the dentist every 6 months. Then I went away to college and my teeth were my own.
One of the nice things about being an adult is that you don’t have to eat your vegetables and you don’t have to go to the dentist if you don’t want to. So, I didn’t go for many years after I left home. When I finally went, I discovered that my teeth were in sorry shape. Last year I spent several months just getting two teeth fixed. During this process I endured two root canals, some slicing of my gums, and the placement of two crowns. I was a bit disappointed to learn that unlike the Queen of England’s crown, mine came without any encrusted jewels.
After last year’s many procedures, I decided to take a few months off. I received several calls from my dentist’s office asking me to make an appointment. I wasn’t ready to go back, so I never returned their calls.
I went back earlier this week.
“Well, at least there’s nothing else new!” she told me.
While I was happy that I had no new rotting teeth, there were still three cavities left to fill. Having these cavities make me feel a bit dirty. Like I’m less of a person. When I walk out of the dentist office, I feel the need to cover my face in shame. Don’t look at me! I’m a man with poor dental hygiene! My dentist assures me that even though I brush my teeth daily, that some people are just prone to getting cavities.
Aaron on the other hand has never had a cavity. This is a fact that he never fails to mention after every trip he makes to the dentist.
“She says my teeth are in excellent condition! Not a cavity to be found!”
He says this with a smugness as if to suggest that he were Mother Teresa and his teeth had been cleaned by the hands of Jesus himself. Or at the very least Jesus' dental hygienist.
The one thing I have going for me, is that while my teeth are littered with cavities and silver fillings, they are perfectly straight. Aaron on the other hand was not so blessed in this area. Do you think Jesus had an orthodontist?
For the first few years of our relationship, Aaron wore braces. He got them rather late in life, so he was walking around with braces on his teeth for a large part of his early twenties. I found the braces endearing and incredibly cute when we first met. Now I just see them as ammo. When Aaron starts in about how his teeth are without a cavity, I manage to mention his years of braces and smile wide so he can see how perfectly straight my teeth are.
“Look, aren’t they beautiful! I think the silver really make them pop!”
In two weeks I have an appointment to fill the first of the three cavities left in my mouth. These days you get to choose how your cavities are filled. You can choose the traditional silver or a white resin filling. Not wanting to look like that guy with the metal mouth from James Bond, I have opted for the white resin. While the silver may indeed make them “pop”, I don’t want to start looking like a super-villain.
If I were prone to quoting Seinfeld (which I’m not) I would call myself an “anti-dentite. This started when I was a child and my mother (being the good mom that she was) trotted my brother and I do the dentist every 6 months. Each of these visits always included the dreaded “fluoride treatment”. This entailed placing a foam mouth piece in your mouth filled with fluoride paste. In an effort to make this whole process seem like fun, you got to pick the flavor of the paste.
Bubble-gum? Chocolate? Peppermint?
Whichever flavor I picked, the result was always the same. I would get the mouthpiece in for about 30 seconds and I would promptly vomit. This became so commonplace that my mother took to bringing a change of clothes for me to each appointment.
I endured this for many years, until we switched to a dentist who didn’t really enjoy having her office covered in and smelling like kid puke. She took to swabbing my teeth with the flouride past instead. It still tasted awful, but it no longer tested my gag reflex.
Until the age of 18 I visited the dentist every 6 months. Then I went away to college and my teeth were my own.
One of the nice things about being an adult is that you don’t have to eat your vegetables and you don’t have to go to the dentist if you don’t want to. So, I didn’t go for many years after I left home. When I finally went, I discovered that my teeth were in sorry shape. Last year I spent several months just getting two teeth fixed. During this process I endured two root canals, some slicing of my gums, and the placement of two crowns. I was a bit disappointed to learn that unlike the Queen of England’s crown, mine came without any encrusted jewels.
After last year’s many procedures, I decided to take a few months off. I received several calls from my dentist’s office asking me to make an appointment. I wasn’t ready to go back, so I never returned their calls.
I went back earlier this week.
“Well, at least there’s nothing else new!” she told me.
While I was happy that I had no new rotting teeth, there were still three cavities left to fill. Having these cavities make me feel a bit dirty. Like I’m less of a person. When I walk out of the dentist office, I feel the need to cover my face in shame. Don’t look at me! I’m a man with poor dental hygiene! My dentist assures me that even though I brush my teeth daily, that some people are just prone to getting cavities.
Aaron on the other hand has never had a cavity. This is a fact that he never fails to mention after every trip he makes to the dentist.
“She says my teeth are in excellent condition! Not a cavity to be found!”
He says this with a smugness as if to suggest that he were Mother Teresa and his teeth had been cleaned by the hands of Jesus himself. Or at the very least Jesus' dental hygienist.
The one thing I have going for me, is that while my teeth are littered with cavities and silver fillings, they are perfectly straight. Aaron on the other hand was not so blessed in this area. Do you think Jesus had an orthodontist?
For the first few years of our relationship, Aaron wore braces. He got them rather late in life, so he was walking around with braces on his teeth for a large part of his early twenties. I found the braces endearing and incredibly cute when we first met. Now I just see them as ammo. When Aaron starts in about how his teeth are without a cavity, I manage to mention his years of braces and smile wide so he can see how perfectly straight my teeth are.
“Look, aren’t they beautiful! I think the silver really make them pop!”
In two weeks I have an appointment to fill the first of the three cavities left in my mouth. These days you get to choose how your cavities are filled. You can choose the traditional silver or a white resin filling. Not wanting to look like that guy with the metal mouth from James Bond, I have opted for the white resin. While the silver may indeed make them “pop”, I don’t want to start looking like a super-villain.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Poem
One of my friends from work gave me a nice going away card. In it she wrote a Chinese poem which I really like. I wanted to share it with you.
Go to the people,
Learn from them,
Love them,
Start with what they know,
Build on what they have:
But of the best leaders,
When their task is accomplished,
Their work is done,
The people will remark,
"We have done it ourselves."
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Thought for the day
There is nothing in the world that will make an intelligent person feel like a complete idiot faster than starting a new job.
Monday, June 09, 2008
My new job
Tomorrow I start my new job. While I'm excited about my new position, I'm also very nervous. I'm going from a job in which I was an expert to one where I will be the novice. I like to think I will handle this change, but that certainly remains to be seen.
When I went into nursing, I didn't know anything about taking care of sick people. I had worked in arts administration for five years, and I don't think you can really count offering comfort to suffering artists as "taking care of sick people."
During my first clinical in nursing school, I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't sleep the night before. I was so afraid that I was going to be a terrible nurse. It turns out, I was a terrible nurse. But I got better. I learned how to take care of people and over the last three years I've become the one new nurses and students turn to for help.
I feel like I'm going to my first clinical again. I worry I'm going to be a terrible critical care nurse. Of course, I probably will be in the beginning. I just hope I get better.
When I went into nursing, I didn't know anything about taking care of sick people. I had worked in arts administration for five years, and I don't think you can really count offering comfort to suffering artists as "taking care of sick people."
During my first clinical in nursing school, I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't sleep the night before. I was so afraid that I was going to be a terrible nurse. It turns out, I was a terrible nurse. But I got better. I learned how to take care of people and over the last three years I've become the one new nurses and students turn to for help.
I feel like I'm going to my first clinical again. I worry I'm going to be a terrible critical care nurse. Of course, I probably will be in the beginning. I just hope I get better.