Reasons to love a nurse

Just call me Jaws

I hate going to the dentist.

If I were prone to quoting Seinfeld (which I’m not) I would call myself an “anti-dentite. This started when I was a child and my mother (being the good mom that she was) trotted my brother and I do the dentist every 6 months. Each of these visits always included the dreaded “fluoride treatment”. This entailed placing a foam mouth piece in your mouth filled with fluoride paste. In an effort to make this whole process seem like fun, you got to pick the flavor of the paste.

Bubble-gum? Chocolate? Peppermint?

Whichever flavor I picked, the result was always the same. I would get the mouthpiece in for about 30 seconds and I would promptly vomit. This became so commonplace that my mother took to bringing a change of clothes for me to each appointment.

I endured this for many years, until we switched to a dentist who didn’t really enjoy having her office covered in and smelling like kid puke. She took to swabbing my teeth with the flouride past instead. It still tasted awful, but it no longer tested my gag reflex.

Until the age of 18 I visited the dentist every 6 months. Then I went away to college and my teeth were my own.

One of the nice things about being an adult is that you don’t have to eat your vegetables and you don’t have to go to the dentist if you don’t want to. So, I didn’t go for many years after I left home. When I finally went, I discovered that my teeth were in sorry shape. Last year I spent several months just getting two teeth fixed. During this process I endured two root canals, some slicing of my gums, and the placement of two crowns. I was a bit disappointed to learn that unlike the Queen of England’s crown, mine came without any encrusted jewels.

After last year’s many procedures, I decided to take a few months off. I received several calls from my dentist’s office asking me to make an appointment. I wasn’t ready to go back, so I never returned their calls.

I went back earlier this week.

“Well, at least there’s nothing else new!” she told me.

While I was happy that I had no new rotting teeth, there were still three cavities left to fill. Having these cavities make me feel a bit dirty. Like I’m less of a person. When I walk out of the dentist office, I feel the need to cover my face in shame. Don’t look at me! I’m a man with poor dental hygiene! My dentist assures me that even though I brush my teeth daily, that some people are just prone to getting cavities.

Aaron on the other hand has never had a cavity. This is a fact that he never fails to mention after every trip he makes to the dentist.

“She says my teeth are in excellent condition! Not a cavity to be found!”

He says this with a smugness as if to suggest that he were Mother Teresa and his teeth had been cleaned by the hands of Jesus himself. Or at the very least Jesus' dental hygienist.

The one thing I have going for me, is that while my teeth are littered with cavities and silver fillings, they are perfectly straight. Aaron on the other hand was not so blessed in this area. Do you think Jesus had an orthodontist?

For the first few years of our relationship, Aaron wore braces. He got them rather late in life, so he was walking around with braces on his teeth for a large part of his early twenties. I found the braces endearing and incredibly cute when we first met. Now I just see them as ammo. When Aaron starts in about how his teeth are without a cavity, I manage to mention his years of braces and smile wide so he can see how perfectly straight my teeth are.

“Look, aren’t they beautiful! I think the silver really make them pop!”

In two weeks I have an appointment to fill the first of the three cavities left in my mouth. These days you get to choose how your cavities are filled. You can choose the traditional silver or a white resin filling. Not wanting to look like that guy with the metal mouth from James Bond, I have opted for the white resin. While the silver may indeed make them “pop”, I don’t want to start looking like a super-villain.

Poem

One of my friends from work gave me a nice going away card. In it she wrote a Chinese poem which I really like. I wanted to share it with you.

Go to the people,
Learn from them,
Love them,
Start with what they know,
Build on what they have:
But of the best leaders,
When their task is accomplished,
Their work is done,
The people will remark,
"We have done it ourselves."

Thought for the day

There is nothing in the world that will make an intelligent person feel like a complete idiot faster than starting a new job.

My new job

Tomorrow I start my new job. While I'm excited about my new position, I'm also very nervous. I'm going from a job in which I was an expert to one where I will be the novice. I like to think I will handle this change, but that certainly remains to be seen.

When I went into nursing, I didn't know anything about taking care of sick people. I had worked in arts administration for five years, and I don't think you can really count offering comfort to suffering artists as "taking care of sick people."

During my first clinical in nursing school, I was a nervous wreck. I couldn't sleep the night before. I was so afraid that I was going to be a terrible nurse. It turns out, I was a terrible nurse. But I got better. I learned how to take care of people and over the last three years I've become the one new nurses and students turn to for help.

I feel like I'm going to my first clinical again. I worry I'm going to be a terrible critical care nurse. Of course, I probably will be in the beginning. I just hope I get better.

Dead Nurse's guide to backyard renovations or How to make your backyard beautiful in 20 easy steps

1. Get price quote from straight male friend for constructing new brick patio in backyard.
2. Determine that price is too high and decide to construct patio yourself.
3. Research patio building options online.
4. Decide that building a patio is too hard and instead opt for installing new sod in backyard.
5. Choose day to begin project.
6. Push back start date a week in order to accommodate activities that are more fun.
7. Begin tearing up backyard with shovel and rake.
8. Have realization that a wheelbarrow would make completion of project much easier.
9. Travel to Home Depot and purchase cheapest wheelbarrow available.
   
10. Spend an hour and a half assembling wheelbarrow.
11. Bandage cuts on hands.
    
12. Break for lunch.
13. Watch two back-to-back episodes of The Amazing Spider-Man
    
14. Begrudgingly return to your project.
15. Use wheelbarrow to remove 20 loads of gravel that were placed in backyard by previous homeowner.
    
16. Curse previous homeowner.
17. Injure back while attempting to remove enormous rosemary bush planted by previous homeowner.
18. Curse previous homeowner.
19. Call straight male friend to see when he is available to complete project for you.
20. Sit back and enjoy the fruits of your labor.
    

The skinny guy

I've always been skinny. It has been my curse since childhood. For the last nine months or so I have been trying to gain weight. I've been going to the gym regularly and eating more than I did before. This has allowed me to gain a solid 20 pounds of which I'm very proud of.

So imagine how I felt when someone today referred to me as "an Auschwitz victim." This particular comment was said with a laugh and was after they stated that I was looking "rather waifish lately."

Waifish?

People always think it their business to comment on my weight. It just seems that most people think it's alright to comment on a thin person's weight. However if I were to say something like "gee, you're looking rather tubby these days" I would probably get my face slapped.

Most of these comments are normally followed by "I used to be like you..." Really, you used to be like me? How nice that you feel that I will one day become an enormous fat ass. According to most folks the only thing saving me from the inevitable obesity in my future is my age. Given enough time, my waist will expand and I'll grow man-boobs.

I'd like to think that the amount and type of food one eats also plays a big part. Throw a little exercise in there and you've got yourself a recipe for staving off a beer gut. You see, those Little Debbie snack cakes you insist on eating every day with lunch may be delicious, but they're also the cause of your increasing weight. Please don't just blame it on your "slow metabolism" or "bad genetics". You are fat because you eat too much. I am thin because I eat less and exercise.

I am no "Auschwitz victim". I am a man of a healthy weight. I've worked very hard to get to the weight I'm at and anyone who insists on calling me names and making rude jokes is basically just an asshole in my book.

So why the hell does it still bug me so much?

All by myself

Today for the second time ever I went to the movies by myself.

I had the day off and didn't have anything else to do, so I went to a matinée of Sex and the City. The boyfriend had already refused to see it as had the majority of my friends. I was going to see it with some gals from work, but those plans fell through. So I decided to go ahead and just see it alone.

I really enjoyed the movie and also enjoyed the experience of being by myself. I always enjoy my midweek days off. They allow me to spend time alone doing things for myself. Usually this involves a hair cut, some time at the tanning bed (I know, it's bad for me), and working out at the gym. After today, I might just need to add some private movie time.

In case you were curious, the first movie I ever saw by myself was The Crying Game. I guess none of my friends at the time were into films about transsexuals.

More filler

The last few days have been long and rather exhausting. I can barely form sentences at this point, so the ability to compose an even mildly amusing post is beyond me. Here are some pictures of some guy named Angel Bonanni. Apparently he's a model.

I think he's rather fetching...

Filler

Because I can't think of anything to write about today, I'm giving you a picture of a shirtless and jogging Mario Lopez.

No need to thank me.